Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
