Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
