apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
