the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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