watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
