after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
