My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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