A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
