I'm gonna have a badass scar
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
