Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
