I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Randomize
