I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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