and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
whose ass print is on the piano?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
