I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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