I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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