Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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