I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
