Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
