then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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