In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
