I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
