Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
