Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
