I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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