Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
