I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
