I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
