Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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