Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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