Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
