What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
