Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
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Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
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Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.