I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
