We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
