I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
