I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
