she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
