Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
