Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
