i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
