I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
