I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
