she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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