Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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