it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
