and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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