You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
