I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
