just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
