Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
