I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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