So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
