I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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