Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
