just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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