my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
