Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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