You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
