he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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