yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
im on a boat
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